You’re in a Relationship but Often Think About Someone Else? Researchers Explain What This Attraction Really Means

In an exclusive relationship, it’s not always easy to know where behaviors that verge on infidelity begin. What if attraction to another person is the first sign?

Many threats can loom over long-term relationships. Frequent conflicts, differences in opinions, the end of romantic feelings, lack of intimacy, infidelity... There are several elements that can lead a couple to break up. But where does infidelity begin and end? How can one know if attraction to someone other than our partner poses a threat to the relationship?

Crush: A Sign of Infidelity?

"In the absolute sense of love, fidelity is total, body and soul," believes Gérard Leleu, sexologist and psychotherapist. Thus, in an exclusive relationship where fidelity has been established as a sine qua non condition, partners are faithful in their love, intimacy, and also their thoughts. But if fidelity must be total, does feeling attraction for another and having a slight crush equate to infidelity? A study published in February 2024 in The Journal of Sex Research explored this question.

For their research, Charlene Belu and Lucia O’Sullivan recruited 542 participants aged 22 to 35, engaged in a committed monogamous relationship for at least three months and having a crush on someone else. Participants were required to fill out an online questionnaire about their crush and their relationship with that person. They were also asked about infidelity, commitment, and satisfaction in their relationship. Each participant answered all these questions during two separate sessions four months apart.

A Strong Warning Signal

The results showed that it is very common in a relationship to develop an interest or attraction for another person. For most volunteers (67.7%), the partner was unaware of this interest. On average, participants had known their crush for about two years and had felt attraction for them for about a year. Despite the prevalence of these attractions, they are not predictors of infidelity. In fact, only 3% of participants cheated on their partner with their crush at the time of the second questionnaire.

On the other hand, scientists developed a statistical model showing that attraction to another person is motivated by the expected quality of the alternative relationship, but also by low satisfaction and low investment in the primary relationship. Thus, the more a partner is attracted to another person, the less satisfied they are with their relationship. So, while having a crush on someone other than your partner is not a big deal and does not predict infidelity, intense attraction could raise questions about the strength of the relationship.