"We Need to Tell People to Go F*** Themselves": Psychologist Alba Cardalda Details Her Radical Technique for Setting Boundaries and Finally Being Happy

"We Need to Tell People to Go F*** Themselves": Psychologist Alba Cardalda Details Her Radical Technique for Setting Boundaries and Finally Being Happy

For those who prioritize the interests of others over their own, setting boundaries becomes a lifelong challenge. In her book "How to Politely Tell People to Go F*** Themselves" (Éditions First), psychologist Alba Cardalda offers practical advice to finally achieve this.

"We would all be transformed if we had the courage to be who we are." This quote from Marguerite Yourcenar opens Alba Cardalda's book. In How to Politely Tell People to Go F*** Themselves (Éditions First), the psychologist provides keys to learn how to set boundaries and, above all, to be oneself. Far from being an ode to individualism, Alba Cardalda explains through stories, studies, and exercises how setting boundaries is essential for building strong relationships. Defining one's own limits, accepting uncertainty, knowing how to say no, making peace with rejection, and stopping the guilt are not just ways to be in harmony with oneself. They are the foundations of a life that reflects who we are and allows us to thrive.

Psychologies: The title of your book certainly grabs attention. Why do you think we need this kind of help, even a shock treatment, and why do we sometimes let others walk all over us?

Alba Cardalda: First of all, the primary reason is that we were not taught to use words and communicate to express our discomfort. We were not taught to express it assertively; instead, we generally communicate discomfort aggressively. And so, to avoid being aggressive, we tend to stay silent, to swallow it down until we eventually explode. It’s because we don’t know how to articulate our discomfort. The second reason is cultural. We are raised to be helpful, to prioritize what others want, even if it creates discomfort for us.

Psychologies: In this book, you advocate saying "no" as an act of respect. Based on your experience, what leads some people to refrain from acting respectfully by preventing themselves from saying no?

Alba Cardalda: If in childhood we said no to our parents and they or our surroundings did not respect that "no," if they got angry or tried to manipulate us by saying, "If you don’t want to do this, I will get angry" or "I will leave," they instilled fears in us. The fear of the other getting angry, the fear of abandonment, and the fear that if we say no, others will think poorly of us. Thus, it comes from this upbringing where "no" is not as legitimate as "yes."

Psychologies: For those who struggle to set boundaries, guilt is omnipresent. You write that it’s stronger than us and remind us of how the neural circuit works. So, is it really possible to get rid of the guilt associated with saying "no"?

Alba Cardalda: Completely, no. It will be impossible to eliminate it because this burden of guilt comes from our beliefs. To reduce the burden of this guilt, we need to examine our beliefs, the reasons for this feeling of guilt, and even our upbringing. Then, in each situation, we should ask ourselves if it is reasonable to feel guilty. So that’s the rational part. But then, there’s the emotional part, which is often stronger than the rational part and thus harder to work on. The effects of this guilt are very difficult to eliminate. We all have deeply rooted beliefs that we adopted from early childhood and that are almost part of our DNA just like genes. It’s important to specify that we are talking about unhealthy guilt. But there is also a form of healthy guilt that prevents us from harming others or intentionally crossing boundaries. It is evident that we need this to live peacefully in society. Otherwise, if no one had this feeling of guilt, everyone would do whatever they wanted, harm others, and it would be absolutely impossible to coexist in society.

Psychologies: Moreover, you dedicate an entire chapter to the power of "no" alone. Can we really say "no" without giving an explanation without risking damaging a relationship?

Alba Cardalda: In my book, I provide different tools that can be used depending on the context. This tool, saying no without explanation, applies to situations where the other person has truly crossed our boundaries, where they have been too insistent, or where the relationship with that person does not carry significant emotional weight. For a concrete example, from women in my circle or patients, when a woman is with a group of friends and a man approaches to invite her for a drink, instead of saying no, thank you, I’m not interested, she starts to make excuses, pretexts. "No, I have a boyfriend" or "no, I’m with people." They don’t feel entitled to say no without an explanation. However, we have the right to say no in such situations.

Psychologies: You mentioned that we were not always taught to set our boundaries in childhood. But once we try to learn, we realize that the balance is very fragile between setting our boundaries and being kind to others. How do you explain that we struggle so much to delineate this way of doing things to respect ourselves?

Alba Cardalda: Kindness, which comes from empathy, is the ability to understand the other, to decipher their mental map to understand their emotions. And it is not incompatible with the idea of setting our own boundaries. Empathy should allow us to find a way to communicate our limits, to use the right words to avoid hurting the other, since we understand their emotions. And so, it is in communication that this kindness will be expressed. For example, if someone asks us for a favor, empathy might make it hard for us to say no because we recognize the other’s need. So perhaps this is where we need to find that balance depending on the relationship, because relationships need this flexibility. Sometimes we will have to yield. Sometimes we will have to be firm.

Psychologies: Among the things that can hold us back from setting boundaries, there is fear, particularly the fear of being rejected. Should we first make peace with the fact of being rejected? And how can we achieve that?

Alba Cardalda: Just as our needs, decisions, and wishes must be understood by the other person, the opposite must also be true. We must learn to respect the fact that someone else tells us no. And how can we take it well, in a way? It’s through self-esteem. If we have a sufficiently healthy and strong self-esteem, it is easier to accept the no that someone opposes us, and especially to understand that this no is not a no directed at us, but a no that depends on the other person, on their preferences, experiences, wishes, and how they view life or conceive the relationship. For someone who does not have much self-esteem, they may feel attacked, rejected, and think it’s because they lack value that they are being told no. At that moment, it becomes much harder to accept.

Psychologies: There is another fear, that related to conflict. Is it necessary to accept entering into conflict sometimes to enforce our boundaries, even with our closest circle?

Alba Cardalda: In all relationships, conflicts are inevitable. A conflict can also help us strengthen the relationship. It can be constructive when it allows us to work on respect and tolerance for the other’s opinion. However, there can be negative conflicts, which are those that do not bring us anything, that do not help us learn, that do not help us progress.